Ultimate Tazer Ball League: I Need It!!

Ratings for the NFL are down. Basketball isn’t exciting until the second round of the playoffs. Baseball puts people to sleep, literally. And the UFC is struggling to find who the next person is to carry the sport that anyone would give a rip about. America needs something fresh to sink it’s bloodthirsty teeth into. Well, look no further than Ultimate Tazer Ball. I hope you were sitting down when you read that because this is as real as real can get. There is an actual sport played by actual humans where you are well in your right to use a weapon that law enforcement uses to subdue people who are high on bath salts to stop your opponent from scoring.

You’re telling me that Spike TV can’t find time to show people the athletes that play in the UTBL and get this league into families’ living rooms? Eventually, you have to show something besides Manswers right? This would be a great sport to combat the NFL’s public image of problems with injuries. In the NFL, the more you get hit, the worse your body feels. In the UTLB, the more you get electrocuted by a taser, the stronger your heart gets. Essentially, everyone is a running defibrillator giving them a license to keep people alive, making them the anti- James Bond.

My only question for the league deals with the longevity of the players due to escalation. Technology is getting more advanced in every area of our lives. Seems to reason that eventually there will be a taser out there that makes someone explode on contact. We certainly can’t have our players exploding all over the place. We won’t get anything done that way. Best to make a rule right now keeping the strength of the sporting equipment to a level of incapacitation that only paralyzes the player’s entire body. Rule #1 check

I’ve seen the future of sports and the future is tazing your opponent as part of the game.
PS- I’d give anything for Al Michaels and Gruden to call one of these games.