The Challenge XXX Episode 1 Breakdown

Welcome to the internet’s best breakdown of The Challenge XXX Episode 1. We were one one of the first site to break (leak) the Dirty 30 cast.Β and we’ll be right here with you all season. Right off the bat, let us all be thankful that TJ is back. Thank God! Our man is back and right off the bat, he drops the bombshell the contestants will be competing for $1 million this season. But, the challengers think it’s “only” $350,000.

I have to instantly protest the fact that Dario is listed as a “vet.” I hate that dude and him being a vet makes me feel old.

CT was denied by customs, wasn’t allowed to enter Columbia and sent back to America! Jesus Christ. What am I going to do? Can we get Trump involved in this? Maybe, John Kerry can come out of retirement and make a few calls? Why are the other 29 of these idiots standing in a row, while our man CT is being shipped back to America. Rise up fools. That dude’s a ratings machine, without him, you’ve got nothing.

P.S. Columbia has customs? Columbia denies people at customs because they don’t like the looks of their passport? Are you kidding me? One word for you Columbia: Cocaine. People in glass countries shouldn’t throw stones.

CT not being allowed to compete in the Challenge is an absolute international incident.

The Challenge XXX Episode 1 first impressions: Bananas looks old, CT has major dad bod (and is in America) and Corey is going to get way too much screen time. During the obligatory “first night party,” we get caught up on all the challengers’ lives. Tony reminds us that he’s got very potent sperm and just constantly gets women pregnant out of wedlock. Good for you bro. Although, I’m not sure it’s really something to brag about.

Enter: Ammo

I think that I might hate Ammo. He introduced himself as, “a gender non-binary singer songwriter, model and ‘professional cuddler’ from New York City.” Okay. I mean… Okay. Be you, dude. But, anyone that describes themselves in that fashion is clearly looking for attention. I’ve come to a conclusion. I hate Ammo (for now).

16 minutes into the episode and Ashley has invited her two new co-stars (her fake boobs) out to play. I guess we know how she spent her winnings from the last challenge.

Corey finds himself in an instant love triangle that involves Kailah, Camilia and Aneesa. Wait… did I just say Aneesa? I forgot about that hookup. Isn’t Aneesa almost old enough to be Corey’s mother? This story line could get interesting. Fast forward five minutes and Corey has got his eyes on Veronica.

Note: Veronica is absolutely old enough to be his mother.

The “first night party” festivities come to an end when the jet lagged challengers get a clue. TJ informs them to be ready at 6:30 a.m. for their first challenge. Bananas, who is casually drinking Grey Goose straight from the bottle, looks concerned and everyone immediately heads to bed.

Ashley and her new boobs, on the other hand, make an early exit. She throws a fit over her lost luggage and asks Cara Maria what to do. Being the intelligent vet that she is, Cara Maria pretends to care and talks her into going home. Win one for the good guys. Later, Trashley!

The Challenge XXX Episode 1 Competition

TJ drops another bomb right off the bat. After the first challenge, aptly titled “The Purge,” six contestants will be eliminated. Upon hearing this, the 28 remaining contestants collective shit in their pants. Yes, still just 28.

God help us. Where is CT?

Aright Joe, snap back to reality. The bottom 3 guy and girls are going home after the first competition. That’s crazy.

The Challenge XXX Episode 1, Round 1

  • Guys: Bananas, Hunter, Jordan and Derrick K
  • Girls: Kailah, Camila, Aneesa and Tori

The old guys, Bananas and Derrick “the Pittbull” K showing these young bucks how it’s done. Not a Hunter guy. I hate that dude. I was never a Jordan guy either, but I think my hate for him has transferred to Hunter. I think Kailah is going to be a strong competitor this season. As for the suprise of the day, Grandma Aneesa is getting shit done!

The Challenge XXX Episode 1, Round 2

The remaining challengers are broken up into two teams, pink and blue. The two teams have to carry two heavy cannons around the track. The blue team wins. I’m not going to list everyone that is safe.

The Challenge XXX Episode 1, Round 3

Round three opens with a twist. There are 5 guys and 5 girls left and the winners of this round will pick six challengers to go home. Oh, snap!

  • Men’s winner: Cory
  • Women’s winner: Jenna

Eliminated

  • Guys: Devin, Cory’s brother Shane and the GOAT Darryl
  • Girls: Simone, Amanda and her Freckles and Latoya

That punk Corey says that he’s keeping Tony around because he has kids. Latoya accurately points out that Darryl also has kid. Punk ass bitch, Corey.

Safe

The Challenger formerly known as Jemmy and reformed sadist, Tony.

The Challenge XXX Spin Zone

No one was actually eliminated. I mean, come on! Do you think that MTV was going to pay the airfare for 6 people to fly to Columbia, then just turn around and fly them back home the next day? No way! This is 2017, you’ve got to stretch those production dollars.

The eliminated challengers enter the house to an excited chant of “bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!” from Latoya.

In closing…

Where the fuck is CT?!

End scene.

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