I wake up today with the hopes of writing my Premier League key match-up article and then I turn my TV on at 10:30 and I see nothing on but FA cup football. Gross. I’d rather make a cheese omelet and watch Martin Lawrence “You so crazy” (which I did btw). While eating the omelet and pouring a fresh bowl of cinnamon apple cheerios, I thought of also adding a weekly article of a summary of the BPL league table. Not the dry version, but a summary that reflects how I look at football from a black culture perspective, and how I can bring that culture to make it more enjoyable for you to read.
In brainstorming with some excellent breakfast food, I came across a few ideas on how to present this newly minted article I feel as though I am the creator of, just as the 10th caveman who invented fire, still instinctively thought that he was obviously the first.
My first thought was to compare the top teams to rap/hip-hop albums that have impacted me and how I could relate them to the team for that week. Getting better
My second thought was to put a meme representation of the top teams and see how they relate to said meme. I’m liking this idea more and more (and I have way more ideas)
My last thought was to compare the teams to some of my favorite comedy specials that I’ve seen throughout my life. This could go either way. Shrug emoji (at this exact moment I thought podcast titles should be used as well. Great idea)
Hell, why not just alternate ideas, and mix in others along the way. Yeah that ought to do it (I hope)….Now, without further ado, I present this week’s table talk:
1. Chelsea- 60 pts
Chelsea are number 1 one the BPL table and they received the infamous meme of January which was without a doubt #Saltbae. This honor has been bestowed upon them for their sheer love of the game and “trickle down” effect that only #Saltbae can provide. Before their latest draw, they were on a 5 game unbeaten streak since their last loss (Jan. 4th). As Frank Underwood once said, and got stolen from him: “Trickle down diplomacy” This is really perfect for the league leaders.
2. Manchester City- 52 pts
The “Pep effect” is back in effect after stalling in 1st gear during their crazy September start. They have had an up and down season and it feels like an elevator as they move back up the table (see where I’m going yet?) Pep wants his players to feel a “Me and you, maybe your momma and your cousin too” type of approach with his new team and that is why I give them the album that represents them most at the moment “ATLiens” I knew as soon as I started singing the song “Elevators” it wasn’t a coincidence, especially the way City have been at the highest of highs, and the fans have felt the lowest of lows. Now 8 points behind the league leaders, they look to stay low and build, and try not to be found floating face down in the mainstream
3. Tottenham Hotspur- 50 pts
The youngest team in the BPL was difficult to think of something, and then I went to YouTube and it all came clear. In the recommended for you tab was on of my favorite podcast, whose name stated everything I needed for this. It’s called “The Brilliant Idiots” and even if you know little to nothing about football, you can gauge where this is going. the manager Mauricio Pottchettino is a brilliant tactical and inspirational manager for young players and is masterful at development. He also has gained a lot of hubris, which makes him go full idiot and as Robert Downey Jr. puts it “You never go full idiot” (that wasn’t the word, but I won’t get sued for free articles, bet that). Spurs are still surprising England though, and that is why they are perfect for this moniker. They are ahead of 4th place on goal differential
4. Arsenal- 50 pts
This honestly was the easiest to write as Arsenal as a club write this same story for me every year (thanks to ArsenalFanTV for that). I was watching one of my favorite stand ups of all time and I said to myself “This will forever be a top 5 stand up” and then I remember starting this article and thinking of the name of this comedy special…Chappelle outdid himself with this one “Killing them softly” is a perfect representation of how many Arsenal fans love Arsene Wenger but how they know his patterns on “killing” a season (too easy). The players know of his brilliance and his tactics of playing “beautiful football” but I can bet by seeing the looks in their eyes after losses how his lackluster enthusiasm and nap-filled press conferences are really “Killing them softly.” They currently only trail Tottenham on goal differential and 10 points clear of the top spot.